Amicable Divorce, Part 1: Separate, Together, Alone

Last week, Aaron and I finalized our amicable divorce. I know that I am incredibly lucky to have gotten through the process as easily as we did, but it was still a difficult and painful thing to do.

When I was preparing myself for this journey, I searched around for articles on amicable divorce. I was looking for information on common pitfalls or advice. What I found was mostly not useful or not applicable to our situation. It seemed that amicable divorce was either viewed as a fallacy (I disagree) or framed around what the children needed (we have none).

What follows here is my experience with amicable divorce, shared in the hopes it reaches someone in a similar situation who would appreciate a point of view from someone who’s “been there.” This is the first in what I hope will be a series of posts covering different aspects of my divorce, since it is difficult to capture with a single entry.

Separate

In January, Aaron received news of a potential out-of-state job offer that caused us to ask some hard questions about our relationship. We knew things were not as we would like them to be, but staring down the possibility of partial or full relocation made us look at our situation more closely. We quickly realized that, while we were accustomed to and worked well as teammates in life, we had not been partners for quite some time.

Shortly after this discussion, Aaron and I began an in-house separation. I needed things to be more real, to feel what it was like to live as individuals (as much as we could while under one roof). I hoped that it would give me (us) a clear answer as to whether “uncoupling” was the right decision. I removed my wedding rings around the same time, though I put them back on for several events prior to making our decision public. It was a strange time, especially because I initially felt very calm about the changes. So much so that Aaron was a bit thrown by it – I’m passionate and stubborn and have fought for our relationship on many occasions before. To hear me simply say “OK, it’s over.” was startling.

Together

I will admit that, at first, we weren’t very good at living “separately.” While our sleeping arrangements and physical relationship was that of friends or roommates, we were still checking in with each other during the day, making grocery lists, and taking turns making dinner.  The only major change, besides me sleeping in the guest room, was that we both felt more free to make our own plans. Aside from coordinating on dog care, we could both put as much time into our hobbies or socializing as we wanted to without depending on the input or approval of the other.

Even then, we still did occasional things together including a cross country weekend for a family member’s 40th birthday. But then we reached a moment when it became apparent that we needed to separate ourselves more fully from each other. We’d carpooled in to Portland for a concert. We didn’t hang out at the venue, but when it was over we rode home together. I won’t get into the details, but hurtful things were said and it was painfully obvious that trying to buddy up and rideshare was no longer a healthy choice for us. Aside from the comments made, I felt a new pang from the loss of my concert companion. Music was a large part of our relationship and something that had brought us together at times when we were feeling the distance between us. Concert stubs take up the most space in my little box of relationship mementos, a tribute to our united love of music.

Alone

One of the hardest pieces for me was that, even though we lived together, I was alone. Sometimes I felt it more keenly than others. One statement I found when I was searching for divorce articles was the fact that your (ex) husband can no longer be your “go to” guy.  It felt like a punch in the gut to read that. I’d thought that since we were amicable, I’d still have his help for certain things. But I realized that, while he may still help me at times, I cannot count on him like I once did. As we moved closer to our court date I had to remind myself not to depend on him for things that have been a given for so long. Even asking for a comforting hug during a tough day was stretching the boundaries of where we needed to be.

Even though I consider myself a fairly independent person, I’d underestimated how accustomed I was to sharing my everyday life and thoughts with someone. Sharing two meals a day, texting each other small stories or questions during the day, talking about work and watching TV in the evenings. Once we became more truly “separated” – all of those things went away. Our breakfasts are sometimes shared by proximity and texting is limited to handling the logistics of our slightly more complicated life.

Choosing Logic, not Emotion

As teammates, Aaron and I tended to make very logical, logistical choices. Our wedding was a quasi-elopement held in our backyard so that we’d have more money available to fix up our first house. When we moved to Maine, we lived with my parents for seven months while we were house shopping so that renting would not eat into our down payment funds. We never took real vacations because our time off was spent visiting family and our money was invested in keeping our house in good condition.

What this meant for our divorce is that we continued to live as separated long after we knew that things were over. Neither of us thought it was wise to sink money into living in different locations before things were final. In fact, we agreed in our negotiations that I could continue to stay in the house past our divorce – until October 1st or when I find a house, whichever came first. And given the current state of the local real estate market, it’s likely that I’ll be here until October 1st. Or whenever living together becomes harder for me than moving back in with my parents, if it comes to that.

“Final Feet”

On Facebook, I have an album of photos called “First Feet.” Shortly after moving to Maine, I realize that we were doing things we’d never done before.  It just so happened a sunset walk on the beach was the first time I thought of documenting it. I took a photo of our feet side by side in the sand. The next activity was bowling, which lent itself perfectly to a foot photo. And so I started setting up our feet for a photo whenever we tried something new. Visiting a farmer’s market, dipping our toes in the St. Lawrence, on the ski lift, etc.

As our divorce drew nearer, I thought that a “final” photo would make sense – our feet at court, facing away from each other.  When I asked Aaron for this, he did not agree. He wasn’t comfortable documenting our departure that way. Which only served to emphasize that he is no longer the same teammate he once was. My silly symbolism is no longer relevant to “our” relationship.

As I step out on to this new path, I chose to take a photo that is more fitting for the road ahead. It won’t be easy and the way is unclear, but I will wind my way through. I am not certain of the next destination, but I will arrive there a wiser, fuller version of myself thanks to my time with Aaron and my time without him.

my feet beginning their next journey
“And I walk alone…”

Stitch Fix Review #3: Getting Warmer

You might be surprised that I got another Stitch Fix package after my disappointment last time.  I ended up having an extended email conversation with a stylist who answered my service complaint. My original stylist was no longer with them, but the stylist (Kate) assigned to my ticket suggested that she be my stylist since she could use all the information from our conversation in addition to my style profile to choose my next fix. Continue reading Stitch Fix Review #3: Getting Warmer

Couch Time

Since we don’t use it much, the den has been a fairly neglected room in our house. If it weren’t for my grandfather’s generosity, it would only have a bookcase and some dog beds in it.  Heck, it wouldn’t even have had dog beds in it but we’ve begun to use the wood stove for supplemental heat, which my single-coated critters appreciate. Continue reading Couch Time

Stitch Fix Review #2 Part Deux-Over

After my disappointing last Fix and frustrating initial follow up emails, I received an email from Stitch Fix informing me that they were going to send me a do-over. I would be comped the $20 styling fee and they would have a Senior Stylist review my profile and all my notes to prepare my fix. I was given a chance to give more detail and did so. I even went so far as to take a photo of my long sleeved work shirts and sweaters so they could get a sense of my winter work options. I won’t copy the entire email – it was long – but I will note a couple of key items:

 
I made sure to put in red bold letters No Dry Clean Only or Lay Flat to Dry.
 

I noted, after reviewing what I had for sweaters “If you couldn’t already tell, what I really need is a work-friendly shirt that isn’t a boring, collared button down.”

They used the notes from my previous fix, which specifically requested fall to winter transition pieces and twill pants or thin wale cords that were office-appropriate (fitted, NOT skin tight). 

The fix arrived last night and I opened it with a mix of excitement and trepidation. It turns out that dread was a correct reaction because this fix was an even bigger stinker than the last one. Not because any one item was awful, but because they didn’t listen to most of the things I said in my original stylist note OR the extra information I sent in the customer service emails. When they were trying to make up for not listening last time! Hello?? McFly?? 

So, to the nitty gritty… which is a fitting term because the photos look a bit gritty. Aaron got quite the look on his face when I asked him to take these photos, no way I was bugging him for a reshoot. 

Item #1: Holland Zipper Detail Ombre Sweater by RD Style ($74)

Ok, so part of this is my fault. When I describe my sweater needs, I said I could use a basic light v-neck… I followed that with a mention of gray and black, but it appears the stylist took “light” to mean color when I meant lightweight. The color is eh for me. I’m pale, I tend to avoid clothing that might accidentally blend with my skin tone. But then there are two things that are not on me and make this a no-go. #1: The zippers don’t have any backing, so if you are someone like me who doesn’t wear layers (and stated such in multiple places), that means cold zippers against both sides of my stomach. Sure, they’d warm up after wearing them, but one strong breeze … or just a strong draft in my frigid office … and brrrrrr. #2: The clincher, Lay Flat to Dry. Seriously?
 
Item #2: Mauna Border Print Fringe Detail Scarf by Look by M ($38)
Ok, so I asked for a scarf. But almost every scarf I’ve seen in a Stitch Fix review has been an infinity scarf so that’s what I was expecting. Probably my fault again because I mentioned having a pashmina. I didn’t want another one, but I didn’t say that. I said doesn’t have to be neutral but needs to go with a wide variety of things. I would pair it with mothballs and sensible shoes…
This was supposed to be a “let me pinch your cheeks” little babushka pose but came off more mysterious Middle Eastern.  Whoops. Anyways… the scarf is another pale blah item. And this thing is huge. The styling card showed a suggested way of wearing the scarf and when I did it, I had a wad of cloth up to my chin and about 6″ of fabric hanging.
Caution: Scarfs may be fatter than they appear.
Item #3: Roman Slub Knit Colorblock Sweater by Ellison ($64)
Ok, not something I would wear to work, but I don’t mind the pattern. The knit is a problem though. Do you see that color variation in the green? The bright parts are my skin, the dark parts are my bra. Um, no. I don’t do show through sweaters. Something I mentioned after the hooded sweater in original Fix #2. Sigh…Care instructions? Hand Wash Cold, no instructions for drying but I bet you they want me to lay it flat.

Item #4: Will Mixed Material Knit Top by Loveappella ($58)

So the stylist made a big point of saying how he thought I’d love this one. Great color for fall and hey, it’s machine washable! Dude, don’t pat yourself on the back too much. You sent a woman in Maine a short sleeved shirt when she requested fall to winter pieces. The shirt is OK, I might have even considered it as a Spring item. But I’m COLD, I want SLEEVES.

Item #5: Jonathan Corduroy Skinny Pants ($68)
These are the pants I’m wearing in every picture. They are actually a dark brown, the lighting issues make them look black. Remember what I said at the beginning about pants? Thin wale cords? Check. Fitted but not skin tight? FAIL. These are like the black jeans I got in my first fix, so tight that they wrinkle and stay wrinkled under the knees. Again, in concept, not awful. I’m open to skinny pants. Too tight on the lower legs, but a good fit otherwise. But once again, it is NOT what I asked for. 

Final Verdict:
I’m sooooo disappointed. I am giving so much specific feedback and getting a complete mismatch to my requests. I emphasized needing work friendly shirts that aren’t a boring button down. I tell them repeatedly my office is freezing. I get sent two sweaters and what is essentially a short sleeved t-shirt. I tell them fitted not skin tight, I get sent skinny pants. I ask for a versatile scarf to help me stay warm and I get a big, clumsy, granny-looking sheet. I was comped the styling fee so I have that $20 credit to use against any purchase and I’m not keeping anything

Oh and to top it off, when I logged in to the website, it said that my checkout was due on October 27th. News flash, that’s yesterday. The day the package arrived. I’ve already sent two emails to customer service – one when I was bummed about the contents, another when I discovered the checkout error – and unlike last time I haven’t received any response. Maybe they are cutting their losses since their algorithm doesn’t seem to work for me. 

IF I use this service again (and that’s a big if), I will definitely be requesting my original stylist. What she sent wasn’t a home run but (besides the red pants) everything was outside my norm but something I would consider and that worked for my request.

David, Dedicated

On October 17th, friends and family came together in honor of my stepfather’s retirement which concluded with a roast. I had not planned on speaking but I am my mother’s daughter. After hearing a couple of folks gently prod at some of David’s well-known habits, I had some gems that I just had to share. What follows here is my best recollection of the impromptu speech. It may not be that amusing to strangers, but it hits the funny bone of those who know him well.

Several years ago, my wonderful and patient husband spent 7 months living with my parents while he started his job here in Maine and I stayed in New York to sell the house. In that time, he came to realize where I’d gotten many of my habits. Sometimes, he would see something in my mother and say “Oh, that’s where you get it!” but many times it was David’s influence that became clear. 

He understood why I’d always been very particular about my tools. When I moved in to my first apartment, David gave me the requisite toolbox including a prybar he’d found in a crazy pink/purple color. I borrowed his etching tool and etched my initials into the various wrenches and screwdrivers. Early in our relationship, Aaron borrowed a screwdriver from me and didn’t get why I was so upset when he threw it in the trunk of his car and it got a little rusty. Aaron also knew why I always asked where I might find the tool I wanted before I went into our garage, where his “organizational” system was a little more fluid than David’s. 

He finally knew why he’d suddenly find himself in a dark room. When I was a child, David had a jar and we had to put in a quarter every time we left a light on. I got very good at turning lights on when I was done with them, though that didn’t always mean that everyone was done with them.


He realized why I was so smitten with our bank’s budget tracking features and sometimes spend hours making a spreadsheet to estimate the month’s spending. Unlike David, my spreadsheet is never accurate to what we really end up spending. Also, mine is a Google worksheet. I’ve forgotten about Lotus and moved on from Excel. 

After 7 months of living with my parents alone, I was finally able to join Aaron. Unfortunately for him, it took us another 7 months to find a house. In that time, much to his chagrin, he could not help but pick up some habits of his own. When we got our first cast iron pan, he took charge of caring for it and always made sure it spent the required number of minutes on a burner to dry after washing. I leave it to him, since I have my mother’s unfortunate habit of leaving things on the stove too long. Occasionally Aaron remarks that it would be good to have hooks above the sink for drying our cutting boards. When I point out where he got these ideas from, he laments “I know but… he’s right!”

Sensible button down and LL Bean coffee cup? Check.

When he and Mom were close to their retirement date, I kept asking Mom “What can I get David? What can I get him?” I knew how excited he was for that day – I’d seen the spreadsheet with the automatic countdown. She told me that what he wanted most was for everyone to attend his retirement party. It was really important to him that his friends and family were there to share in his celebration. He’s very hard to buy gifts for because he’s always valued presence over presents, something that he’s modeled for us kids.

His love and support have been better than any physical gift that he’s ever given me… including that really righteous pink prybar.

Stitch Fix Review #2: New Duds

After an underwhelming first fix, I was really hoping for a win the second time around. My first fix had some pieces headed in the right direction, so I figured things would improve after my detailed feedback (I even shared my review link with them).

Continue reading Stitch Fix Review #2: New Duds

Mown Away!

Apparently we were due for some good contractor experiences. First the fence project was faster than expected, and now our latest (and smallest scale) contractor experience was just as good or better – we finally had the field thoroughly bush hogged.  Continue reading Mown Away!

Let’s Go, De-Fence, Let’s Go!

Fall has arrived. Football is back, there is a chill in the air and best of all… there is a fence in our yard! After weeks of frustrating or boring maintenance projects, we finally got something obvious, fabulous, and new.
 
And after weeks of on leash potty walks and two years of a cramped temporary yard, this is really really exciting for me. I might be as excited as Dash and I’m almost more excited than Delta. 

Continue reading Let’s Go, De-Fence, Let’s Go!

Expertinent

Part of what we are paying for when we hire contractors is their expertise. We try to know the basics about the work so that we are informed consumers, but we expect the experts to know some facts and tricks that we don’t. What is infuriating is when these experts share their opinions after the fact and phrase it as though we should have known or argued against it. 

Continue reading Expertinent