Imagine you walk through mud every day…
Some days, the mud is thick, sucking at your shoes, even pulling them off. Each step is a concentrated effort, carefully placing your foot as you try to find firmer ground.
Some days, the mud is thin but slick. You can make quick progress forward, but you are stumbling, uncertain, sometimes moving the wrong way and having to regain your footing.
Some days, the mud is shallow and seems like it’s starting to dry. Your feet don’t sink, you don’t slip. It’s still harder to walk than dry land, but only a little bit.
Some days, you’re wearing flip flops. Some days, you’re wearing boots.
Some days, the sun is shining high and you start to think that maybe it’ll dry out. You get some steps on dry land. You think maybe that feeling will stick around. But then a day or two goes by and the storm clouds gather and you know it’s going to be back to the same routine.
Deep, shallow. Thick, thin. Crusting on your shoes or taking them altogether. But always, always, there.
Take a moment to close your eyes and imagine all those scenarios. It’s exhausting, isn’t it?
You’ve just gotten a glimpse into the world of someone with chronic “functional” depression. The kind that comes from brain chemistry, not lifestyle or circumstances. The kind you might not see because the house is clean, the work is done, and the bills are paid. The kind where (at least if you’re like me) there may not be suicidal ideation, there isn’t even always sadness, but there is a lot of “Fuck, are things ever going to get better?” It really wears us down when nearly every damn thing we have to do takes more effort to get done. Physically and/or mentally. No matter how well we manage it, we cannot truly predict how thick the mud is going to be each day.
Soundtrack of My Life
It’s no wonder that this analogy popped into my mind, since MUD by Dorothy has been on heavy rotation on my playlist ever since it came out. It is a bit more country-infused metal than her early “modern day Janis” vibes, but just as gritty and good.
Now this is the part where I would normally put in all (or most) of the song lyrics and break them down. But I’m trying this new thing where I allow myself to evolve things rather than sticking to the rules or formats I made up in the first place. All the other lines of this song are more about the vibe. It’s these that get to the core of it for me:
Now if your crown ain’t bent and your halo ain’t crooked yet
You might as well be six feet in dirt, yeah
Some call it danger, some call it trouble
I call it digging deep without a shovel
It’s exhausting work to walk through the mud, but if you’re not trying, you’re not living. So you dig deep inside and fight to keep going. You get dirt under your nails from picking yourself up off the ground and you keep walking. You slog forward to make things just a little bit better for yourself. All the while hoping that maybe, some day the mud will dry up for good.
This shit is hard, but what choice do we have?
