SoML: I Am the Fire

Some days I feel like nearly every song in the Halestorm catalog could be a SoML post. Although some of them would be NSFW and definitely NSFF (not suitable for family). I can guarantee you this won’t be the only Halestorm song I talk about – but I will try to keep the number within reason.

If you love rock and you haven’t discovered Lzzy Hale’s powerful vocals and smoldering lyrics, please do yourself a favor and seek out everything you can find on Spotify, Amazon Prime, or whatever music service you prefer.

Now that I’m finished geeking out over the band, on to the song…

Am I brave enough?
Am I strong enough?
To follow the desire
That burns from within
To push away my fear
To stand where I’m afraid

Maybe it’s a little cliche – divorced woman rediscovering herself, her independence, her passion. But that is what I’ve been experiencing. Challenges have been opportunities to prove myself… to myself.

Living alone for the first time in my adult life was a terrifying prospect as winter crept in and darkened our days. If I want to see well outside, I’m in charge of changing the outdoor flood lights at the peak of the roof. If the power goes out, it’s up to me to flip the switches and pull the cord for the generator. I can ask for help with those things, but someone else handling those sort of chores is no longer a given, a built-in feature of my life. The first thing I did when moving into my temporary winter location was put up a fence. I probably could have put a call out for help from friends or family, but I decided to choose fencing and posts that I could put up alone.

I promise to myself, me and no one else
I am more than this

When I started dating, I made a rule for myself: No cancelling plans I had for myself or with a friend because of a guy. No disappearing into a little lust bubble and making it all about him. While I’ll admit a guy was occasionally the tipping point when I was on the fence, I have stayed true to that rule. I’m continuing to give myself room to grow and looking for opportunities to spend quality time with the people who matter.

I am the fire
I am burning brighter
Roaring like a storm
And I am the one I’ve been waiting for
Screaming like a siren
Alive and burning brighter
I am the fire

My roaring and screaming may be mostly figurative, but I feel very “lit up” in my life. I’m exploring new interests and ideas. Dealing with the sometimes harsh realities of a single income, house hunting, and canine mortality. Discovering the “I” where there used to be a “we.”

Speaking of we… Have you ever gotten stuck on an idea or project for a while and when you finally finish it, you realize it wasn’t ready to be finished way back when you started it? I think that’s what happened here. I started writing this in November when I’d just started seeing a guy. I kept trying to finish it and failing to find the ending. Things were going really well and I was struggling to write about being strong and independent while I was being swept off my feet. It felt hypocritical to talk about being out there on my own when I actually had company during most of my downtime.

But I didn’t stop being my fiery, free-spirited, independent self. In fact, those were some of the qualities that drew him to me. The first time he introduced me to one of his friends, I made one of my characteristically frank comments about song lyrics (a Halestorm song, actually). He grinned at his friend and said “What did I tell you, straight, no chaser.” As our relationship develops and we learn more about each other, I am discovering healthy interdependence. We have a lot of interests that we share and enjoy together, but we also have separate hobbies and passions to pursue on our own. We are with each other more days than not, but we’re choosing when and how our lives intertwine.

While I want to have someone who fans the flames, I must tend to my own fire.  He understands and respects that – expects that, in fact. But most importantly, I continue to expect that from myself…

Of course, if you were to ask him what his favorite song from that Halestorm album, he’d say “I Like It Heavy” – the first time he heard it, he called it foot stompin’, fist raisin’ rock & roll. Damn straight, baby, that’s just my style.

 

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